I am spending my child support on dildos
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
