my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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