She is in my trunk
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
