I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
