Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
