After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
