where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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