I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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