I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I am spending my child support on dildos
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
