Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
