I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Randomize
