I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
