Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
