Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
