i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
