i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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