I think i peed on brittanys purse
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I came so hard my ears popped.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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