Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
