If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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