How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
