My room smells like vodka and shame
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
