he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
So much Jack, so little girl.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
