you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
