Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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