hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
