he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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