My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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