I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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