I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
