I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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