John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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