last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize
