Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
