I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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