Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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