I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
