Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
