Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
