i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
