The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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