hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
