happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
