I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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