you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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