I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
