I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Randomize
