Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
