Moan for me like Helen Keller
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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