You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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