oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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