NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
We are all done wearing pants today
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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