i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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