I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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