Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize