currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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