kristin has been a bad kristin
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
