So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
