Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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