nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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