Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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