Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
