the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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